EAT YOURSELF FITTER!!
The programme: (Based on a three day rapid weight loss regime as trialled scientifically and extensively by 4 volunteers in May. No responsibility can be taken by the author for any truth that may emerge accidentally from this work. All reference to persons deceased, alive, or just really knackered is deliberate and all techniques used here should not be replicated by untrained, unfit or normally sane people).
Day 1: Preparation
Diet: Light breakfast – cereal, toast, coffee
Elevenses – bacon roll
Lunch – pizza slice and fruit salad
Afternoon break (best eaten in a garage forecourt) – Ginsters pork pie, coffee
Dinner – Spaghetti Bolognese, salad , bread
Evening – slices of toast and butter as required
To drink: water (liberally), coca cola (500ml), red wine (1 glass), beer (3 cans)
Exercise: Do none at all – get a friend to drive you around in a car for a few hours. Walking to the toilet should be enough exercise today along with opening the ‘fridge’ to collect drink as above.
Try to not get enough sleep on this night – if you can engineer an uncomfortable bed or slightly too much heat in the room that should do it. Nervous energy contemplating the next day should assist also. Around 5 hours will be more than enough. Waking with just a slight feeling of unease and a stiff neck is perfect.
Day 2: The Main Event (Open Controlled Trial – OCT)
Diet: This needs to be split into several sections – remember, only eat when you begin to feel slightly nauseous and try to not have the ideal foodstuff to hand.
Breakfast 1 (eat around 2 hours before usual breakfast time) – choose any three of the following: Porridge, Oatibix, Toast and Honey, Banana, Rice Pudding (small can) and wash down with plenty of tea / coffee.
Breakfast 2 (eat at around mid morning) – jam sandwich, slice of fruit loaf (and keep two in pocket for later). Cup of tea plus biscuit (optional).
Lunch (eat around an hour before normal lunchtime): Finish fruit slices, now nicely compressed and have two Fruesli bars and optional sweets. Wash down with river water and take 200mg of Ibuprofen.
Afternoon tea: (eat around mid afternoon): Two jam sandwiches, a flapjack (and put one in pocket for later), two cups of tea, orange squash. Try to eat this meal whilst walking uphill in drizzle.
Late afternoon tea: (about an hour and a half later) another 200mg Ibuprofen, the remains of the flapjack which you have now carefully crushed up in your pocket, and a packet of crisps. More river water. Try to jog a bit immediately after eating. If still hungry try some sweets.
High Tea: (at around 5 pm) 6 cups of tea, ham sandwich with pickle, cheese sandwich with pickle, flapjack. After a short break have two pints of beer.
Dinner: One of the following: Whitebait, potato skins or soup followed by pizza or pasta (bread roll optional). Drink two pints of beer (and an optional extra two later).
To drink: Plenty of water from streams, lots of orange squash and as many cups of tea as you can and remember the all important pints of beer after the evening meal.
Exercise: Keep it minimal!! Between 35 and 39 miles should be enough today with plenty of off-road included. Try to do a bit of running and don’t overdo those climbs! Go for just 2 or 3 hills (like Scafell Pike, for instance).
Restrict movement as much as possible in the evening but try to ensure a poor night’s sleep by encouraging neighbours to have a party and keep you awake with ‘banging hard core dance mix etc.” until about 3 am. Try to only sleep fitfully and if you get severe cramp that impedes sleep, so much the better.
Day 3: The Wind Down
Diet: Almost back to your pre-regime normality but:
Breakfast: Fried Egg, bacon, tomatoes, toast, cereal, orange juice, banana and tea / coffee.
Try to have a bottle of ‘energy drink’ handy in an unusual flavour such as ‘cherryade’. It will taste strange if the regime has worked.
Lunch: Optional – I find that cheese on toast usually works well.
Dinner: Roast Beef, Yorkshire Pudding, Potatoes, Carrots, Other veg, gravy etc. and chocolate soufflé. Red wine and optional beer.
Exercise: On day three you should only walk when it is essential to do so but try to watch other people doing strenuous exercise (e.g. running the Windermere marathon etc.)
Try to get a friend to drive you around for a bit in a car to help your legs stiffen a little.
In early trials, this regime has been shown to cause a weight loss of around 8 pounds in 10 hours but then (if necessary) this can be regained quite quickly afterwards. Side effects have included wind burn, blackened toe nails, tiredness and a tendency for observers to shake their heads and mutter.
Remember:
Gravity is your enemy
Empty calories are good calories
More is less
Mass is energy
Blue is the colour (etc. etc. )
(abridged from the book “Fit And Trim: Begin A Standard Training And Running Diet” by L. Vellin. 2008)
Dave Hicklenton
results on Achille Ratti website
